before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
