Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
