dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
