Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
