he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
