I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
