You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
