Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
