So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
