Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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