Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
