Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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