When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
