I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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