we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Are my feet made of real feet?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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