5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
