summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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