Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
