if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
now i know why i became what i already was.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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