i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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