There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
