I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
