Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
