Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
