I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
