before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
whose parrot is this?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
