Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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