i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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