The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My underwear smells like fireworks.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i think i scared a bird with my dick
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
