So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
