He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
