I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
