The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
