I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
