Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
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Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
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"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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