why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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