I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
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I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
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Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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