2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
we should paint friendship bongs
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