Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
