Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
