this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
