I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
