I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
