He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
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I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
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He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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