I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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