I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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