Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Randomize
