this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
