you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
