What did we do last night that was yellow?
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
