Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
