sarcasm needs its own font
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
