New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
