I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
