I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
