Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
