tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
